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RE: (TFT) word value
> If the clubs are in the bag, the golfer is going to use the best one for
Alfred Hitchcock appears in profile on screen as a silhouette.
"This exercise in theater will come in two parts. First a deliciously bloody
mad scientist, and finally a rather droll grammarian."
[ a commercial about a mortgage and some guys dog ]
[ a commercial selling vacation resorts with a golf course overlooking the
[ a commercial about a prescription and asking your doctor ]
Alright now if we could dim the lights a little. Let me just put on this
stained apron. And that scalpel right there... thank you.
* to stage left *
"Roll in the patient."
* a hospital bed is rolled into the room with the "problem" sedated and
strapped down on it *
* The two orderlies are burly with hairy arms *
* One ties a surgical mask over my mouth while the other kicks the breaks
each of the four wheels on the bed, locking it into place*
* The "problem" is laying there asleep breathing very slowly. *
It reads "If the clubs are in the bag, the golfer is going to use the best one
* the scalpel glints in the light *
* at eight times normal speed I operate *
* blood sprays everywhere covering my apron, mask, the orderlies, and the
* piled on a silver tray and still bleeding on a side table are all the
* the vivisectioned remains of the "problem" are on the hospital bed *
f th clbs r n th bg, th glfr s gng t s th bst n fr th jb
* the sheets are soaked red and dripping to the floor *
Now I have removed all the Vowels from the sentence. My assistant will now
weight these vital organs. While I count the consonants.
* The orderly who tied my mask picks up the silver tray and places it on a
triple beam scale *
* With my index finger I silently count the consonants to myself *
"I count 37 consonants, a period, and one comma"
The orderly says "24 vowels"
"So all told this sentence was made up of some 63 parts."
I look up to the distinguished guests up in the observation deck and
"this sentence means 63."
* there is a general murmer *
Someone calls down "Yes, but Dr Jeckle has an operation that reduces each
letter to its eight by sixteen bit map. He would find that the "problem" is
made up of 8064 discreet elements."
Someone else objects "I heard that Dr Frankenstein uses the power of
to make scaleable letters which he can render to any conceivable size. He
would be able to vivisect that sentence with less blood and a near infinite
number of interpretations."
* everyone murmers there agreements *
* I exit stage left in shame *
[ commercial for sizzling seafood ]
[ commercial for a car that is on top of mount everest ]
[ commercial for a summer blockbuster ]
Alfred Hitchcock appears facing the screen.
Well so much for our Jack the ripper. Hrumph. We turn now to our
Grammarian. Let's see what he would do with the sentence.
"Alright class I have written a sentence on the board. Now."
* I look around the room *
"What does it mean"
* the smart mouthed kid in the class calls out *
"That he makes enough money that he doesn't have to work and can play golf
"Not bad, not bad." I say. "Anyone else?"
* someone raises their hand *
"Well... is this a philosophical question. I thought this was an English
"Interesting, interesting." I say. "Anyone else?"
* point to someone who looks like they are not paying attention *
"What do you think it means"
With a gang sign they say "that golf is _in_the_bag_ man." The class
* a pale thin hand is raised in the back. A nervous little kid who almost
"Yes?" I ask him
"63" He says, putting his hand down.
* almost everyone in the class rolls their eyes and ignores him *
* I return to the front, and turn back to face the class *
"All interesting in one way or another." I pick up a pencil and start
my left palm with it. "It means that people will get what they want by any
means available to them."
* The bell rings *
* everyone pours out of the classroom *
* I'm standing there looking at empty desks *
* I realize I have a pencil in my hand and put back down on my desk *
[ commercial for junior and misses clothes ]
[ We interrupt to bring you this weather update ]
[ Commercial for a monster truck rally ]
[ Live and in concert this weekend only ... the one.. the only...]
[ Public service announcement for a support phone number ]
[ Local full service transmission company ]
[ The nearest theme park shows it rides with a dollar off through a soft
[ A pizza commercial ]
Alfred Hitchcock is on screen he walking a dog, in what looks like central
"Well, I'm sure you'll be glad to know that the "problem" was reassembled and
is doing just fine. Personally I don't know which was worse. Trying to guess
the meaning, or all that blood. I don't know about you but I think I prefer
the scalpel. Good night."
* He saunters off *
* queue Hitchcock theme music *
You turn off the TV, get up and go to sleep. Wondering why you even watch
that stuff any more. The next morning you wake up and for some reason that
bloody "problem" is still bothering you.
After plowing through work you get home and get into some gaming. Just as
the crew is getting warmed up you ask "hey guys, what does this sentence mean.
If the clubs are in the bag, the golfer is going to use the best one for the
"Oh you saw Hitchcock last night too eh." Says one.
"Don't come to a gun fight with a knife." Says another.
The GM says "uh" and nothing else, like he's nervous. Wondering if this
discussion is going to derail getting started.
"It means the GM wont give us anti-matter bombs cause he knows we'll blow
up his whole freaking campaign."
Everyone chuckles. The GM says "Sure I'll give you anti-matter bombs. Cast
time 24 seconds. Range 37 meters. Area of effect 'the known universe'. The
* end *
I think I'm going to take a fourth pass at this post.
David Michael Grouchy II
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